Since my book Yes I do & I did it will soon be published I have decided to write excerpts of my diaries that I kept into my blog. The book is a memoire which is not the same as my diaries but the theme is the same. This little thing called Life. I write about how I go through life and try to be as happy and joyful as I can imagine. Some parts in my diaries are really boring and they go on and on how lonely I feel and how nothing ever works out the way I want it to be. I will try and spare you of those ones. I hope to find some parts that are more enticing and that give hope and might even inspire some people to never ever give up on your dreams. If I managed to feel good no matter what shitty things were happening in my life for sure others can easily do the same. Twice I burned all my diaries. I have not burned any since 2008, I think, so there is enough material left to choose from. Here we go:
25/10/10
Much happened since April 2009. I changed jobs twice and had 2 boyfriends. Now I run my own company, I am single and absolute free to do whatever I want whenever I want. I travel all the time. Yesterday I had a job interview to work as a caretaker of the disabled. I might not go back to a job in the shipping. Just run my own show and do shift-work to pay the bills meanwhile. I might not travel to Europe for a while now and that is fine. My home is now here and wherever I travel. Just like in that song: “where ever I lay my head, that’s my home”. I still hope to find a really nice partner one day and then rent this place out. I want to go and live in house with a dog and I would even like to have some horses again. There is so much I would like to do. For now I concentrate on being happy and doing my own thing. It feels like I am truly grown up now. Standing hundred percent on my own legs. Right now there is no time or space for a special relationship. Maybe later. I prefer not to go back with T. He is like N. only looking to have a bit of fun and I don’t like the “only fun” thing too much. I want to get to know someone and once we are good friends then go for more, on the other hand I often think it is going to be this sudden “I know” thing. That deep knowing inside: “this is it”! Then again I had often similar feelings and they appeared to be for the wrong guy each time. Or maybe should I say right? Because it made me very strong and gave me lots of experience in matters of the heart. Now it is up to me to use this information wisely.
Card of the day: What is is. You don’t get a vote haven’t you noticed?
E.Tolle card: Are you worried? Do you have many “what if” thoughts? You are identified with your mind which is projecting itself into an imaginary future. Situating and creating fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation because it doesn’t exist. It is a mental phantom.
Byron Katie card: “The miracle of love comes to us in the presence of the uninterpreted moment” Stay present and continue to observe what I happening inside you. Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of “the one who observes” the silent watcher. This is the power of the Now to power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens.
I can see how inspired I can make my life.
I am willing t change and touch my truth.
I am willing to release the need to be unworthy.
I am worthy of the very best in life, and I now willingly allow myself to accept it.
I am willing to release the need for uncomfortable relationships
I am willing to release the thought that I need a relationship to make me truly happy and whole.
I am grateful for all the people I felt resentment for. They were angels in disguise helping me on my path. They all did exactly what they needed to do to make me aware.
I am pure light.
To be continued with other excerpts next week
