This little thing called life
More writings I found in some old diaries that somehow have escaped being thrown out. I had been 2 years in Australia when I wrote this and worked in a toxic environment. My job was influencing my health and I was diagnosed with asthma and food allergies. I could not change jobs without leaving the country so I started to work on my permanent residency and to be able to find a healthier life style…
22 December 2008
How can I find a way not to judge all the time? Especially in the office: “Z is stupid, I can’t stand Y. Why me? It is always too cold in the office. X is an arsehole. They don’t really like me…” How can I stop that constant and irritating background noise inside my head? Other people don’t like me and they don’t appreciate me is a typical thought in my mind that I no longer need to believe in. It is only a thought that keeps the ego alive but does not serve the real me at all. Furthermore my mind likes to think I will be really happy in the future when I meet Mr Right and when I get the right job for me. Always projected in the future. Why can’t I be happy right here and now? Why do I let my thoughts prevent it? So next time when I am in the office I will stay aware all the time. I will look at how my mind judges everything and everyone. I will try not to react or answer. I will just look and write it all down. Observe my thoughts and the emotions they bring to my body. Let go of all the negative thoughts I have about the office. I am responsible for my own unhappiness because I keep believing the stories I tell myself about the office. I make them real, I make them mean something. I have to own my suffering! I forget that I am projecting all this, it is of my own making. For now I will concentrate on the good things in my life. I live in this beautiful apartment with breathtaking views and I love to spend time here alone and pottering around. The thought alone that anytime soon I will have to go on a date and start seeing guys again is too stressful. I no longer want to believe that someone else will make me feel whole. All my diaries were full with stressful thoughts so I have thrown most of them in the chute. It was a gesture that made me realise I really need to clean out my thinking.
What I am going through at the moment reminds me of the following ideas from Byron Katie: All suffering originates from the mind, not the world. The job you do out there in the apparent world is secondary. It’s only a place for you to judge, inquire and know yourself. Your true job is to appreciate what is; your primary profession is to be clear. Money is not my business; my thinking is my business. I don’t have any other business. We don’t attach to things; we attach to our stories about them. Jobs come, jobs go, companies rise and fall and you’re not dependent on that. Freedom is what we all want, and it is what we really are. The worst that can happen is a concept. There’s ultimately nothing you can do to make money or to stop making money. Happiness is a clear mind! You don’t ever need more money than you have. It’s the story about money that strikes terror in my heart. No job has ever bothered you; only your thinking has. You only have on job: to come into alignment with your thinking. Who would you be without the story “I should be doing something different”? Doing what you do, present, efficient, available. “I shouldn’t be doing something different” not now. Maybe it will change, but right now this job is good. The only thing that is not good about now is a story that would keep you from it.
There is only one joy in life, undoing myself